Topic: How do I deal with my mother in law with out hurting my husband's feelings?
January 25, 2020 / By Leigh Question:
**This is going to be really long but I need to tell you how this all started**
Like most Wives, I don't really get along with my MIL. I used to.. When I was pregnant with my Son, everything was fine. Then when I gave birth, she just started to really irritate me.
When my son was first born, she came to visit us. (My Hubby is a Marine, we are stationed in AZ, n his family is from 29Palms) In my culture, we don't take the babies ANYWHERE until they are baptized. Besides Dr. visits, he is not to go anywhere. My MIL wanted us to bring to baby to 29 so he can see my FIL. I told her that after he is baptized, we will go visit. She kept pushing that we could take him to 29 n baptize him there. I kept explaining that he has to be baptized BEFORE he goes to 29. After an hour of arguing she finally left it alone. That is when it all started..
That same day my we were at my house for lunch. The baby was hungry so I took him to my room to nurse him. 3minutes later theres a knock on my door. My MIL just comes in. I use my son to shield myself from her. I don't even let my own mother see me breastfeed. I couldn't ask her to leave so I looked at my hubby to tell her. He didn't say anything. So she just stood there, watching. I was having trouble nursing. My son was so small, he couldn't latch on properly.. my MIL then says "Could I help?" before I even answered her she takes my boob n tries to shove it in my sons mouth. I felt so violated, yet couldn't say anything!!!
Now,I'm Asian Pacific Islander, the way I was raised to clean is to pretty much Bleach EVERYTHING!! My Hubby is White (not saying white people don't clean.. But there are White people.. n then there are Hill Billies. My Husband was raised by Hill Billies.) My In-Law's home REEKS of Dog/Cat piss, ****, n garbage. Idk if they are so used to the smell or their just too old to do anything about it. Whenever we went to visit, I would rub my hand lotion all over my hand n arms n then sneak some on the couch so that it wouldn't smell so bad. I could never tell my Husband. I felt it would be rude n disrespectful. Their home is cluttered.. they have bowls of wet cat food on the bar counter where they expect us to eat n their carpets are FILTHY. Its a white carpet but it looks dark DARK Grey from all the dirt n stains. I never said anything because that is their home, I don't live there. But when my son was born, I HAD to speak up. I didn't my son in that kind of environment for even 1minute.
When we went to visit, right when I opened the door, the Smell hit me in the face n I immediately became dizzy n nauseous. Like always, I kept quiet. After 5minutes in the house, I could not take it. I took my son (who I don't allow to sit ANYWHERE in that house but on my lap) n stood outside for about 30minutes before my husband came after me. It took me another 15minutes to tell him I was standing outside because of the smell. He asked his dad for some kind of air freshener. His dad then turned around n told the mom that I thought her house stinks -_-
I have a dog, but I didn't let him in the same room as my son in case of allergic reactions or if he gets the dog's hair in his nose or mouth. My MIL REFUSED to lock up her dogs when we came to visit n just disrespected my wishes when I told her not to have her dogs on her lap when she's holding the baby. When I wasn't looking, she would let her dogs lick my son's face. I got mad at my husband before he knew how I felt about that, yet said nothing to his mother. After arguing with Him, he finally told her Not to have the dogs near the baby until he's older. She looks at me n says "Why? I raised all my kids around dogs n their fine. What if I watch the dogs very closely?! They just want to sniff him n know who he is." Its just not in my nature to be mean or to try n tell someone what to do. So I said "whatever." n walked away.. after that my hubby knew I was irritated n took the baby away from my MIL.
When my son started to crawl n touch everything, my conditions for us going over to visit was that The carpets HAVE to be shampooed the day before we arrive. Dogs must be bathed the morning of. N everything within my son's reach must be cleaned n dusted. Of course when we went over nothing was done.. I couldn't put my son down to crawl or play. After my MIL left to the store my FIL brought me the Shampoo Vac n I did the carpets myself. It was absolutely FILTHY!! I showed my Hubby so he could see what our son would be crawling on n touching n then putting his fingers in his mouth.
I know my MIL doesn't like me. I know she thinks I'm trying to keep her son away from her (Which I'm NOT!! I've never stopped him from going to visit her. But lately things have been coming up n he can't go. I know she blames me.
My question is.. How do I tell my husband that most of the times that I
My question is.. How do I tell my husband that most of the times that I don't want to go visit them is because it Mother irritates me?
I admit I'm a little over protective. My son was VERY small when he was born n is prone to getting very sick. So I do all I can to keep germs away. Of course I know I can't keep ALL germs away, but I can help him by not letting him touch dirty things n put them in his mouth.
Joni | 6 days ago
First of all you shouldn't be dealing with your MIL, your husband should because no matter what he tells them they are going to love him regardless. however if you say something they are just going to resent you. I'm imagining some dirty filthy unsanitary home and I most likely wouldn't want my baby crawling on that either. (he might get rotovirus.) however its not fair to your son to keep him from his grandparents. maybe you should meet in a public place like a park or restaurant when you visit and stay in a hotel. or have them come visit you and help them with the costs.
My husband and I ended up divorced after the evil mother in law. I found that by avoiding her, not being alone with her, caller ID, not going to her house but instead out to eat or whatever in public, (meeting her there) all worked. But she still poisoned my husband against me. At least I didn't let her destroy me like she had done to all the other in law children. Talking to husband didn't work because it was his mm and we all know our moms can do no wrong.
Don't take it personal, but I think it wouldn't hurt if you were more open. You seem like a control freak. Just because you were raised a different way than your husband doesn't mean your way is always right. You have to understand that your crazy mother in law is a grandmother. She wants to be involved and you should let her. Its fine to want things your way, and she should respect that, but it would help a great deal if you were open a bit to other's ways of doing things. Judging your husbands family because they aren't like you is disrespectful. You need to learn to compromise or else you're only going to hurt your husband and his parents. Stop being so judgmental and overprotective.
Edit: I understand you want what is best for your son. I can respect that, but from reading your post, you have to fix yourself and loosen up a bit. Being irritated with your mother-in-law because you don't like how she does things is not a good reason and its not fair to your husband and your in-laws. Try to change and if you can't get past this then expect a rocky relationship with them. I can't blame them if they are offended.
Wow... why dont you put your son in a sanitary bubble and not let him out at all. You are being so unfair to your husband, son and inlaws....GROW UP